Classic Poem

spoken by Mrs. Woffington

Sweet doings truly! We are finely fobbed!
And at one stroke of all our pleasures robbed!
No beaux behind the scenes! 'Tis innovation
Under the specious name of reformation!
Public complaint, forsooth, is made the puff —
Sense, order, decency and suchlike stuff.
But arguments like these are mere pretence —
The beaux, 'tis known, ne'er give the least offence,
Are men of chastest conduct and amazing sense.
Each actress now a locked-up nun must be,
And priestly managers must keep the key.
I know their selfish reasons — though they tell us,
While smarts and wits and other pretty fellows
Murmur their passions to our fluttering hearts,
The stage stands still and we neglect our parts.
But how mistaken in this silly notion!
We hear 'em talk without the least emotion.
Just as our tea we sip each tender strain,
Too weak to warm the heart or reach the brain.
If harmless, why are we debarred our rights?
Damsels distressed have ever found their knights.
Shall we, the Dulcineas of the stage,
In vain ask succour in this fighting age?
Will you choice spirits who direct the town
Suffer such impositions to go down?
Can it be thought this law will ever pass
While doors are only wood and windows glass?
Besides, our playhouse guards are passive men.
Strike without fear — they must not strike again.
Even Fribble here to draw his sword may venture,
May cuse the creters , beat his man and enter.
The jealous Moor not roars in louder strains
Than all our nymphs for loss of absent swains.
We had been happy, though the house had failed,
Masters and all, had not this scheme prevailed.
For ever now farewell the plumed beaux,
Who make ambition to consist in clothes.
Farewell coquetry and all green-room joys,
Ear-thrilling whispers, Deard's deluding toys,
Soul-melting flattery which even prudes can move,
Sighs, tears and all the circumstance of love,
Farewell!
But oh, ye dreadful critics, whose rude throats
Can make both players and masters change their notes —
'Tis in your power — you any lengths will run —
Help us, or else our occupation's gone!