Paradise Deprecated

When the faucets all stop dripping
And the bathtub never leaks;
When the house has weatherstripping
Against the blizzard weeks;
When the piping never freezes
And plumbers cease to plumb,
When every prospect pleases
And we clean by vacuum —

When wallpaper never blisters
And plaster does not fall,
When larcenous laundry sisters
Plunder us not at all;
When kitchen maids don't mutter
And tablecloths show no stain,
And husbands never utter
A single word profane —

When the rugs are never faded
And eggs go down in price;
When pantries are not raided
By children or by mice —
Then wives will never be weary,
Commuters will all grow fat:
But heavens! it would be dreary
To live in a house like that!
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